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So I have not been working lately…not sure why, just that’s the way the ball rolls I guess. Then I get a text from Ms. Madame asking if I would be interested in a 12-hour date and well, yes, I imagine I would be since I have not worked in over two weeks.
But I have to be honest with you, or with someone at least ~ I am a bit nervous.
I have not done a 12-hour date. This gentleman is supposed to be quite the romantic and seeking companionship and romance. Well, ok. But still, I’m insanely nervous ~ almost like going on a first date!
I’m wondering what to wear. I need to get my nails done. My hair touched up….all those lovely glamorous beauty regiments we gals do before we go on a real first date. But then, it’s not. Is it? A real first date?
Ah the internal struggle.
Then the latest message is a recent “friend” wishes for me to travel during December to visit him. Well it would all be fine and dandy except for a little thing called a steady…
My dilemma:
shall I simply lay it out?
the bf “rescued” me from sex work
he was first a client, now a bf and somewhat provider
but, i don’t think it is ever going anywhere…and there are things i need to do to provide for myself and my children…
so, aargh! i hate the lying that comes with this whole industry!
i don’t mind so much the role playing, the acting ~ but the lying to those closest to me is so damn hard
and i’m not great at lying, or maybe it’s that i’m too good at it when i want to be that i really don’t want to be; does that even make sense?
So if this stream of consciousness journal writing experience made any sense to you and you have words of wisdom you can offer I would be forever grateful.
I think it’s rather difficult to say much that’s useful without a lot more knowledge of the situation. If you first met your bf in his capacity of client, then that’s one hurdle over, but does he consider himself as having ‘rescued’ – or in the process of ‘rescuing’ – you?
Did you/do you require ‘rescuing’? In which case, for God’s sake don’t let anyone know, with all the NGO’s about you’ll probably be killed in the rush. It’s not as if there’s a shortage of would-be rescuers, is it?
The bottom line appears to me that you “don’t think it’s getting anywhere.”
It seems to me that if he’s trying to ‘rescue’ you, he doesn’t respect what you do. And if he doesn’t, that seems to say a lot about him and your relationship.
I don’t see why lying needs to come into it. Your bf needs to be clear that you do what you do. However, this entails you being clear. If he’s to be of any use whatsoever as the bf of an escort, he will need to be actively supportive and to be able to cope with a certain amount of emotional s**t that comes with the territory of being an escort’s bf. Such guys are quite rare, but clearly exist. I don’t know whether your bf could cope or not but the above doesn’t make me feel hopeful.
I should think seriously about the December travel offer – you sound like a change of scene would do you a lot of good.
Thanks for commenting and giving quite sound advice. I do not know yet if the Dec. trip will happen/still in the works…but if all the cards fall right then I plan on getting out of town for a few days for some much needed sunshine and fun.
The bf situation is, well, a long drawn-out story that will have to come out in a book one day it’s that crazy!
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Hmmm. Thanks for this post, itâs got both my IQs circling each other! On the law of averages, most of this will probably seem totally irrelevant, so forgive the ramblingâŚand if any of this seems unkind, itâs not meant to be.
Since my first response, Iâve glanced through the rest of your posts and so know a little bit more background.
I think you should be very careful, because I think youâre expecting far, far too much of yourself.
âI have to be honest with you, or with someone at leastâ says it all, really, donât you think?
You have grown up kids, a bf, an ex-husband who I imagine is not exactly indifferent insofar as youâre concerned, an agency, a mother, and clients who certainly canât be indifferent – whatever else they may be – either. And yet it is to cyberspace you turn and say: âI have to be honest with you or with someone at least.â
Now I donât know what weâre supposed to have that they havenât, apart from being outside the situation, which has a lot of downs as well as ups insofar as you (and we) are concerned.
There is a sense, I think, in which the sexual side of escorting is the easiest – not always, of course, but often – yet it is the sexual side that steals all the headlines. The hard side is the emotional strain. The work is not essentially sexual work – which often the client does physically anyway – but the emotional and physical labour involved in attempting to address the varying and sometimes conflicting emotional requirements of a diverse client group, whilst forever gauging situations, identifying and addressing potential dangers at multiple levels, and negotiating compromises when required.
Now I want you to take a few minutes, take a look at yourself in a mirror, and very seriously consider YOUR needs, and forget the ones with a dollar sign in front of them at least for the time being.
When you work, you actually perform extremely complex, dynamic, multiple roles, though you may not have been even conscious of it this way before. So what happens when you get home? You wind up playing lots more complex, dynamic multiple roles terrified that your secret will get out.
Now Iâm as sex work positive a male as they come, but that doesnât make this healthy.
Yes you do have to be ‘honest with you or with someone at least.’ Indeed, I think it critically important. Youâll have to find you first, do you remember where you put you?
You should be offloading your troubles to your bf. You should be able to tell him the fortunes – good and ill – of your escorting day and be able to expect some empathy.
âi hate the lying that comes with this whole industry!
i donât mind so much the role playing, the acting ~ but the lying to those closest to me is so damn hard
and iâm not great at lying, or maybe itâs that iâm too good at it when i want to be that i really donât want to be; does that even make sense?â
Yes, it makes perfect sense. Because in the end, youâre the victim. But the lying does not come with the industry, but with your response to what you rightly or wrongly perceive as your loved onesâ approach to the industry. Now Iâm definitely not suggesting you out yourself to all and sundry at home, that way may well lie mayhem, but I am strongly suggesting that you identify YOUR needs and ask yourself whether and to what extent your âbfâ – dear man though he may be – actually meets those needs and to what extent he creates additional needs with requirements for additional roleplay.
Because the strange thing in all this, with all the family and the clients and the bf and the agency and all, is that somehow you come across as emotionally starving. And you shouldnât be this way. Nobody should.
So my darling, how did you become so intuitive and incredibly smart in the ways of women and emotions? I feel as though you truly “got” me and that is somewhat frightening…although it is what I asked for, is it not? I am going to be pondering your comments all night ~ especially the part about me being ‘emotionally starving,’ and what are my needs in all of this. You have brought up some incredibly valid points that have my mind spinning. Thank you for your candor.
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Hi Jenna – Well, I certainly hope you’re not frightened, but I do think you need someone you can open up with. Guess the agency madam is of some utility, though she has her own interests to consider.
Gave you a plug today – you might find this new story from Aussie of interest -
http://becauseimawhore.wordpress.com/2011/12/01/but-baby-just-think-of-what-we-could-do/
I’m going to be completely frank with you – when I first started writing this blog I was a bit worried about the comments I might receive and whether or not they would be helpful, hurtful or simply a bunch of spam. Your comments, insights and amazing intuitive nature are such a wonder to read. Thank you a million for the mention AND for connecting me with Jane’s site. Your kindness and friendliness are uber appreciated.
Yes, Ms. Madame is wonderful about giving me moral support and pep talks. The problem I run into is that she is so darn busy I don’t have the time I need to truly express what’s going on in my head (or heart for that matter)….besides, she has several other girls to listen to also. I try to not take up too much of her time.
This blog has been a big help – more so than I ever even imagined – and that goes back to my first statement about being amazed at the quality of people and friendships I am making through this blog. I finally feel like I have peeps to talk to about what is going on. So thank you so very kindly mr.stephenpaterson. You truly rock!
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Hi Jenna,
Yes Stephenpaterson sent me to read your blog. I think this is such a difficult subject and ultimately a very personal one. I dont think there is any right or wrong answers as the issues are very complex and only sex workers will truly understand how it feels. So many of us have tried to navigate our way through these situations so many times and have had all sorts of experiences.
I am not going to give you advice except you need to find the path that you are comfortable with and dont worry too much about what other people think of your choices. They do not truly understand your life, noone does but you.
Do you have friends you trust ad can talk to about this stuff? I am happy to be online/email friends if you want to chat ever?
Check out my blog and send a email if you want to take me up on my ofer for onlie support.
Good luck, Lots of whore love from Australia.
Jane/ happyhappyjoyjoy@live.com.au
Hi Jane,
I am so grateful to stephenpaterson for sending you over AND that you have introduced yourself. I am so grateful to now have a blog I can read and relate to many of the experiences of the writer. And I am so especially grateful you have offered to be a “bloggy” friend and sex worker support friend. Yes, I am definitely taking you up on your offer! Hugs! Jenna
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Hi Jenna,
But I was also starved somewhat emotionally. I had friends but I didn’t have a partner – so I gave up a lot for that. Won’t go into great detail here but if you want to email me I’d love to chat. I have a few blogs out there as well. Juliana
I read your entry – I’m in a very similar situation. I will say as a sex worker there are competing needs. Stephen points that out well – sex work covers the money for sure, autonomy and stability, orgasms – yes, great sex – not so much for me
http://julianapiccillo.wordpress.com/
http://whoresonfilm.wordpress.com/
I am not sure I have anything useful to tell you. I was reading Jane’s blog and linked to this one through the comments. This is a raw topic for me as I have only just gone back to work very recently from an 18 month hiatus from the industry. I was in a long term (on again off again 4 year type thing) that recently ended. It had been on again for about 2 years and for the majority of that, I had “retired” from sex work at his request. He was never able to control his jealousy, and he also had a lot of fears for me (or so he told me). One day he asked me “is it that wrong to ask that no one else gets to have sex with my girlfriend?”. At the time I thought no, it’s not. I love you, and love is more important than money and I had always told him that I was only in it for the money and just somehow able to do the work without feeling upset or weird or fearful (I just stopped short of telling him how much I enjoyed it).
So, I handed my financial independence over to him and it was rough. Neither of us deal with stress well and living from pay to pay, hand to mouth takes it toll. He left and I have gone back to work. I feel hard done by, but in his mind he can’t see how shutting down a small business and then opening it up again might be problematic.
It’s still fresh for me and I don’t know how I feel about telling anyone new what it is I do for coin. There is someone that I met, who knows that I have worked and I implied that I “can always fall back on my back” when times get rough… I have no idea how to handle it from here on. I want to be honest and I am afraid that means he will ask me to stop and want nothing to do with me if I refuse. I don’t ever want to stop for someone again though. My financial independence is so important to me. It is such a hard decision to make, honesty seems like the best policy but when it means something different to each person (for me; lifestyle, power, control, confidence, security and for them, having sex with other people) the right answer doesn’t present itself easily. But when I think of his words to me all I can think is “is it that much to ask that my boyfriend doesn’t ask me give up my job and make life harder than it has to be?”
I fear I will be single forever, or until I can find someone truly understanding who won’t ask me to stop something that gives me so much. I didn’t think I had anything useful to say, but that is my own limited experience of such things. I hope you find the answer that leads to what is best for you.
Thank you darling for sharing your story. I can definitely relate to not wanting to give up your financial independence ~ tis my quandary now. I was out of the industry for about the same amount of time as you and have gone back in the past couple of months. I’m only working limited part-time hours but those hours are too lucrative to pass up. Does that make me materialistic? realistic? I’m able to pay my bills without help and provide a decent (definitely not over the top) Christmas for my family. I’d love to stay in contact with you. I have found that within my agency communication amongst us ladies is not encouraged – for decent reasons I imagine; but still it’s nice to have someone to talk to about the day. Stay safe & be happy. ~Jena
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Gave it up for love – bf turned client – it’s so hard to not make my own money, to live on less when i have kids I want to provide certain things for, and things i could have provided for myself too. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that your partner not have sex with other people but it’s a helluva decent job to have to pitch for love. When i was working, I decided i would give up love for money – and of course it’s not just money – it’s money enough to put kids through school and buy a house and have a future, it’s the intense satisfaction that comes from finally being able to do all of that after years of struggle and feeling crappy for not being a better wage earner.
I think it’s the rare person who can deal with their love having sex with other people. and if you met your partner when he was a client, naturally he’s worried another client might have the same effect on you. Yes, maybe they met us as sex workers and so ought to not squawk about us continuing to run our businesses – in theory – but it’s tricky in practice.
If I have to go back to work or decide to – it’s not going to be easy. I’m so out of that mind set – all the armor i put on to work is long packed away. I felt scared sometimes working for various reasons and sometimes i felt demeaned – though not often – I don’t think i really would want to go back even though all and all I was fairly happy to do it at the time.
I asked one of my friends why she thought we choose sex work when it has so many potentially devastating consequences – at least here in the U.S. and she said, “freedom”, that being a sex worker felt the closest to true freedom of anything else she’d ever done or could do and immediately I knew that was why I did it as well. I miss that feeling of freedom a lot but I want other things more now.
So, that’s it – maybe that’s negative to say you can’t always have everything – you have to pick what you most want but i guess that’s how I feel about it today.
Ahh freedom – the perfect answer to your question. Your friend sounds truly insightful. Yes, the freedom to pay my own way, to make my own decisions, to do what I want to do – but you’re right – it is a helluva sacrifice to give up love. And you know what’s weird – now that I’ve been back in the industry for the past couple of months, I look at my bf a bit differently, and not in a good way. Does he measure up to Bill, Sam, Tom, Steve, etc. etc. I have some hard decisions of my own to make. And freedom is a precious, precious thing to throw away – even for love. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! ~Jena
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